Oh, God! You know my heart! If anyone knows what drives my decisions, my hopes, dreams, sadness, joy, fear, anger, it is You God!
I have no secrets from God. He never limits our conversation or tires of hearing my heart’s cry. He never rejects my feelings, belittles me, minimizes my fears and never, ever suspects or accuses me of having a hidden agenda or trying to “get over on him”. Why? Because he made me exactly as I am. In fact, God knows what drives me better than I do. Nothing about me is hidden from God. And the good thing is that nothing about me is rejected by God. Good or bad, all of my pretty or the worst of my ugly, He loves me. . . this I know.
With people, this is not always the case and it doesn’t take much to send me running for cover where difficulty in relationship with others is concerned. While I consider myself secure in many areas, I can be quite fearful and weak when it comes to knowing I am loved and accepted by people-especially those I love the most. My emotions can get the best of me, and then I find myself trying too hard – to demonstrate my love, to show my loyalty, to explain my actions, to clear up misunderstandings or misconceptions and to right real or perceived wrongs; in general, to make myself acceptable to them. It is always important to me that those I care about know that I love them and that my motivations come from a pure heart toward them – at least as pure as my imperfect human heart can be. I desire that they feel loved and secure and that they know my feelings for them are authentic. Because of this, I almost always show my hand; even when it would be in my best interest to play my cards a little closer to the vest. The result of such openness and intimate transparency; I often find myself wounded and running for cover.
I’ve seen much from folks in my life and in all that I’ve seen I still have trouble figuring out what drives most of them. Self-preservation I suspect; their own fears, insecurities, feelings of lack of lovability and inadequacy. Is all of this understandable? Do I mentally get it? Of course I do, but is it sometimes confusing and hurtful on the receiving end? Absolutely!
The great thing is; this is never the case with God. God does not need to do things to preserve or protect Himself from any real or perceived threat; especially from little ol’ me. God doesn’t need some hidden agenda to carry out His plan, nor does He need to protect Himself from any hidden motivation harbored or reactive behavior demonstrated by myself or others. In fact, everything God is and does is carefully laid out for all people of all generations to plainly see and scrutinize if they choose.
Oh! To be more “God-like” and less fearful and weak! How many times have I had this thought? But, I always fall terribly short and when I do, I can only do what some have yet to realize is possible. . . . I run and hide in the only One I am truly certain loves me unconditionally.
When the world turns on me, whether real or imagined, I easily become overwhelmed by fear and pain. I am an emotional mess and often unable to see things from a clear and logical perspective. When I find myself in this place, I beg God to help my spirit man take over and I ask Him to allow me to see things from a godly perspective. I often turn to one of my favorite choruses to help me push through the pain and fear I feel when I face an uncertain world full of confusing, confused and broken people like me.
As I cry, I sing . . .
You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in you. . .
This is not the chorus in its entirety, and I suggest you find it and hear its beautiful melody as soon as you finish reading this piece. It is a chorus written and composed by Michael Ledner, who at twenty-seven years old was going through a painful period in his life and a separation from his wife. He shared his song with friends and as the song was shared by others, he was contacted by Maranatha! Music. The song was recorded, and he was credited, but as with most meaningful spiritual music, the lyrics originated through the Holy Spirit within the Holy Scriptures. Ledner used Psalm 56:3, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 and Psalm 32:7 to compose this beautiful song that would console many through the years, including broken-hearted little messed-up me.
So, I when my heart hurts and I find myself sad, fearful and inconsolable, I run as fast as I can into God and I begin to sing Psalm 32–You are my hiding place. . .
In essence, I crawl into Gods lap and cry on His shoulder, deeply sobbing into His bosom – often uncontrollably and relentlessly.
God, I’m scared!
God, I will never feel better!
God, I am so misunderstood!
God, this is overtaking me!
God, I am terrified!
God, I don’t feel I stand a chance at victory!
God, they are questioning my motives, heart, person, friendship, loyalty, love, abilities, motives, ME!
God Help! Hide me! Make me invisible!
God, please Deliver me! Fill my heart Lord, with songs of deliverance and victory, not all of this sadness, defeat and grief!
God I cannot bear it!
God’s reply? I’m sure with a loving, fatherly smile He thinks to Himself as He holds me there. . . “What took you so long?”
In Psalm 32, verse 8, He says, (Ok, Angi. . .), I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. Meaning, I’m going to show you what to do and how to proceed from here. He also says, I will guide you with my eye. Meaning, not only am I going to show you which way to go from here, but I am going to show you what the whole thing looks like through MY eyes and help you to see it MY way.
Does that revelation always come instantly? No . . . sadly, for my weak insecure self it does not. Am I holding out hope that it will yet come in more than one area of my life? Yes, of course I am, but meanwhile, I hide, I hope, I pray and I sing the words of that cherished Psalm. . .
You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in you
I will trust in you
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord . . .
I will trust in You
Come on now, sing with me . . . as we hide here together.